Getting old sucks but it beats the alternative

I wish I could still buy cocaine without worrying about dying

I used to hear scratching in my bedroom walls at night when I was a kid.

My dad said it was probably red squirrels but to me, it was demons trying to claw their way through a portal.

Just to clarify, I think that’s a stupid rule and you should be ashamed.

Is there a rule against shaming people for making stupid rules?